I love Vacation
Hi everyone:)
I had a wonderful time not seeing Walmart for three days, we didn't even shop at one so that the experience wasn't overshadowed by the feeling that we were at work. It was great hanging out with my family around the campfire listening to blue grass. (Yes, we are hicks.) Rollarblading, walking, riding bikes (Most of which I did alone, Chris hates anything that requires excercise of any kind.) I have to say though I was really happy to go by myself. I miss being alone and having some time to do things that I like by myself was very refreshing. There is a long stretch of trail that goes directly by the lake and it is absolutely beautiful. I have a lot of memories at this park (mainly because my family has camped there for like ever) and I loved being able to move around as I pleased and remember those memories with out having to verbalize what I was thinking.
--- I have been struggling alot lately. Thinking about whether I am good enough for God. I know that this sounds retarded and I was raised in Church so I know that we are saved by grace, but I cannot seem to convince myself that it is all true. I know that we are supposed to live out our Christianity and as hard as I try I keep getting depressed because for some reason or another I am scared that when judgement times comes that I won't make the cut. That God is dissapointed in me. That I haven't done a good enough job. I know that a lot of people out there seem to think that you can say the "sinner's prayer." and walk out of the church and never have anything else to do with God and you will still make it into heaven. I however, have never been able to swallow that logic but I keep struggling within myself over how much we have to do and what more do I have to accomplish to make it into heaven. I keep hearing people talk about how much that they witness and how many people that they have "brought" to Jesus and I think if that is what our salvation is based on then I am screwed. I do talk about Jesus sometimes, and I try to witness, but I find myself not wanting to push it on people. I know that this may sound awful to people, but I am trying as hard as I can to live out my faith myself and I am afraid of pushing people about my beliefs because I don't want them studying me very hard, because I know that a blind person could find my faults. I find myself praying constantly at work about stuff, but I hardly ever read my Bible except for at church. I quess I just want God to help my faith and renew my thirst for reading and studying my Bible before I go into a HUGE battle of trying to convert people. I hope this hasn't dissapointed anybody. I know that no one ever wants to admit this kind of stuff out loud and I never do, but we all have highs and lows and I guess this is probably just one of those times. I haven't written this before, but there are a couple self proclaimed pagans that I work with. Their god is Diana. I am trying to witness to them as a living example. It gets hard because I struggle with a balance. We have talked about Jesus before and I have shared my beliefs and listened to their beliefs, but mainly I have just talked to them and listened to them about their lives and whatever they feel like talking about. I don't ever push things, but I get scared to get really close to them because I know the spiritual warfare involved with witnessing to people involved in the occult. Who knows, maybe this is why I have been struggling lately. I quess I am just asking everyone to pray for the situation that God would let his work be done and would bring glory to His name. (and would open a clear and HUGE window for me to be able to be a light and a large bag of salt.) Does anybody have any words of wisdom that they can share with out hurting my feelings about not being a very good Christian?
I had a wonderful time not seeing Walmart for three days, we didn't even shop at one so that the experience wasn't overshadowed by the feeling that we were at work. It was great hanging out with my family around the campfire listening to blue grass. (Yes, we are hicks.) Rollarblading, walking, riding bikes (Most of which I did alone, Chris hates anything that requires excercise of any kind.) I have to say though I was really happy to go by myself. I miss being alone and having some time to do things that I like by myself was very refreshing. There is a long stretch of trail that goes directly by the lake and it is absolutely beautiful. I have a lot of memories at this park (mainly because my family has camped there for like ever) and I loved being able to move around as I pleased and remember those memories with out having to verbalize what I was thinking.
--- I have been struggling alot lately. Thinking about whether I am good enough for God. I know that this sounds retarded and I was raised in Church so I know that we are saved by grace, but I cannot seem to convince myself that it is all true. I know that we are supposed to live out our Christianity and as hard as I try I keep getting depressed because for some reason or another I am scared that when judgement times comes that I won't make the cut. That God is dissapointed in me. That I haven't done a good enough job. I know that a lot of people out there seem to think that you can say the "sinner's prayer." and walk out of the church and never have anything else to do with God and you will still make it into heaven. I however, have never been able to swallow that logic but I keep struggling within myself over how much we have to do and what more do I have to accomplish to make it into heaven. I keep hearing people talk about how much that they witness and how many people that they have "brought" to Jesus and I think if that is what our salvation is based on then I am screwed. I do talk about Jesus sometimes, and I try to witness, but I find myself not wanting to push it on people. I know that this may sound awful to people, but I am trying as hard as I can to live out my faith myself and I am afraid of pushing people about my beliefs because I don't want them studying me very hard, because I know that a blind person could find my faults. I find myself praying constantly at work about stuff, but I hardly ever read my Bible except for at church. I quess I just want God to help my faith and renew my thirst for reading and studying my Bible before I go into a HUGE battle of trying to convert people. I hope this hasn't dissapointed anybody. I know that no one ever wants to admit this kind of stuff out loud and I never do, but we all have highs and lows and I guess this is probably just one of those times. I haven't written this before, but there are a couple self proclaimed pagans that I work with. Their god is Diana. I am trying to witness to them as a living example. It gets hard because I struggle with a balance. We have talked about Jesus before and I have shared my beliefs and listened to their beliefs, but mainly I have just talked to them and listened to them about their lives and whatever they feel like talking about. I don't ever push things, but I get scared to get really close to them because I know the spiritual warfare involved with witnessing to people involved in the occult. Who knows, maybe this is why I have been struggling lately. I quess I am just asking everyone to pray for the situation that God would let his work be done and would bring glory to His name. (and would open a clear and HUGE window for me to be able to be a light and a large bag of salt.) Does anybody have any words of wisdom that they can share with out hurting my feelings about not being a very good Christian?
posted by Melody @ 8:51 PM
1 Comments:
At 8:12 AM,
Danielle said…
Hey Mel. I'm glad you had a great time on vacation. Alone time is precious. I’m happy you were able to visit special memories.
I wish I could talk to you face to face right now. But, since I can't, here's what's on my mind.
1) It's normal to struggle with feeling good enough for God. But that’s spiritual warfare from the enemy. He wants you to believe you are not worthy, that you have to DO more to be accepted, and he's banking on the fact that you will keep feeling that way so he can use this fear against you, to take your eyes off Christ and focus them on all the stuff you "should" be DOING to make the cut. Those are the lies he wants you to believe. If Satan can get you focused on keeping rules (the law) to be accepted by God, his work is done.
2) I know it is hard to always live in the truth that you are accepted and don't have to DO more to please God. It's especially hard when the lie feels bigger and more true than truth. But, I encourage you to keep setting your mind on the truth: You are loved, you are accepted, you are righteous. Not because of you, but because of the Christ in you. That's who God sees when He looks at you. The truth is that none of us are righteous, none of us are "good Christians". The only one able to please God is Christ. Thankfully, God has given us His very Son who has given us His righteous so that we are accepted. Anytime the enemy throws one of his lies in your face, tell yourself (and him) the truth. This is sometimes a long process of re-learning. Keep at it. When those feelings of despair and depression set it, reject the feelings (it is hard not to live out of our feelings, and though feelings are a valid part of who we are, they are just a part…that changes all the time) and choose the truth. Even when you don't feel like it. Now here's the important part: It takes mental energy to re-focus your thoughts, but once you have done that, REST in the truth. RELAX in the truth. EMBRACE the truth. Don't try to DO anything. BE with God, allow Him to BE through you. Over time, I believe that your desire to read the Word and be a light to others will increase because it will be restful and not a duty. Sometimes that switch takes time. But when it happens, you will find you are living a more consistent life in front of the people God has placed in your path. When we rest in Christ, allowing Him to live through us, people see more of Christ and less of us. We become more like the people God created us to be. It’s profound, yet entirely simple.
3) Here's the kicker. Of course we don't live perfectly all the time, even when we understand all of this and live it. There are days when we give in to our flesh in any of the variety of ways a person’s flesh can rise up. One of the most important things I have learned is this: "What you are at the spirit level [you are a saint, you are God's work of art, you are righteous and holy, you are fully accepted by God] determines your real identity. When you do not behave righteously, you are being inconsistent with who you are." When I screw up, that's not who I REALLY am. And when you screw up, it's not who YOU really are. That doesn't give us a blank check to live however we want. It does free us to rest in Christ, allowing Him to express His life through us. It frees Christ to make you the Melody He created you to be, to be the special expression of His love to the people in your world that can only come through you. And that is what pleases Him most.
Mel, you are loved and lovely, passionately adored by the King of Kings. Never forget that.
Wow, sorry for the book. If you want to talk more about this, please email me at danielle.home@yahoo.com. I can give you my other contact info. And, as always, you are welcome at Dirlam House. Sundays, noon.
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