Visit to the Hospital

Today my sister and I went to see both Emma and Louise. I almost cried when I saw Emma. She hasn't eaten anything since she was burned. Her mom said that basically she has been drinking milk. They have been giving her morphine since she got burned and apparently it has ruined her appetite. An answer to prayer was that she is not going to need skin graphs. The visit to Louise is what killed me. I have known Louise my entire life. She didn't know me or my sister. She couldn't sit still and it sounded like she was drunk. She was very incoherent. We only saw her for a couple of minutes because we could tell that she was tired and needed to rest. As we were walking out the door her son kept repeating his phone number to her so that she would call if she needed him. She couldn't remember his phone number. We sat in the waiting room with vaughn and Schaun and asked them what they were going to do to help her and they said nothing. The tumor is inopperable and after what her husband went through with brain cancer and all of the chemo and radiation they aren't willing to do that with her. They are waiting for her to stabilize and then they are taking her home. They asked us to pray. That is the only thing that we can do now. They said that they are having the water and soil checked. Both her husband, her neighbor and her dogs died from the exact same kind of cancer. The doctors told them that there is a 99% that she has the same type of cancer that they all had. They think that a factory or some sort of waste has leaked into the river behind there house. The river floods twice a year and goes into their water bed. That goes into their well and into their pond. I don't know what to think of feel. I have never had something happen like this to someone so close to me in such a short amount of time. I watch as the rest of my family and friends move on day to day as if nothing is wrong and I want to throw things. I don't want to be angry at God. I mean, who am I to be angry at God? I can't help but feel frustrated though. How could he let something like this happen to such wonderful people? I think about the fact that just a year ago I was hanging out with both of Schaun's parents as if nothing was wrong and in such a short amount of time everything seems to have fallen apart. I remember waiting for Louise outside of church for her to show us something new or tell us a funny story. I remember sitting in her van talking to her. Staying at her house. Going to Cedar Point. I am sad for her family, her friends, and anyone that has ever known and loved someone that had their dignity stolen away by such a horrible and awful disease. I don't want to speak death upon her. God can and is still able to heal her and I have no idea what his plan is by letting this happen. I just pray that we are all prepared for what happens in the end...

Sad News

I found out some very sad news... My dead friend Schaun (Hopefully you guys remember reading some stuff about him before.) Well his dad died in December after a (I think) two year battle with brain cancer. Just last week his mother was in a car accident. The police officers at the scene insisted that she was drunk or on some sort of substance. They took her to the hospital to check and see if she was under the influence of anything (which there was no possibility she was she doesn't even drink) They ended up doing a cat scan and they found a brain tumor. She had surgery on Thursday night and they woke her up Saturday night. My sister and I are planning on going to see her today. Hopefully everyone can keep her in their prayers. Her name is Louise Fogarty. Also my sister's neice in-law. was playing with the sink while her mom was taking a shower. Her and her sister went into their mom's room and got the stool and took it to the sink. They both got in, but the water was only aimed at emma's side they turned on the water and it was scalding hot. It took all of the skin off of emma's legs. She is up at St. Vincents in their burn unit. She is three years old. So if everyone could pray for her too that would be great. I know that it is weird but after finding out about Mrs Fogarty and Emma I couldn't help but cry. People handle death and sadness in different ways, but I have discovered that I handle death and sickness different from any other person I know. I have tried to explain it, but for some reason no one really understands what I mean. I remember going to funerals as a small child and hypervenilating. (Hope I spelled that right) It is not that I don't know I will see them again, and it is not that I am afraid to die, but it is the concept of death in and of itself. That person. Who and what they believed, thought, felt, experienced, loved. Who they were, their personality, memories, and dreams... Gone... It just overwhelms me. I think maybe because we were never intended to experience death. and it is such a hard thing for me to handle. I remember that person and I realize that yes the body is gone and buried an empty shell, but the person and everything that they contributed to all of the lives around them all of the people that they loved and all of the people that loved them are left with an empty space, an absence that cannot be refilled because the person has left too. The separation is what kills me. Knowing that their soul is gone and that I will never see them again for the rest of my days on earth. Everyone I know tries to explain to me the same things. That they are in heaven. I will see them again. I know all of that. I can't explain why I feel the way that I do, but whenever someone around me dies I feel this stabbing like pain in my heart and it is almost impossible to go to funerals or viewings because of it. My dad laughs at me. Although I know that I got it from him. Whenever he talks about loved ones that have passed on from the church he cries. It is funny because you can tell who got the emotions in the family passed on. We'll watch a sad movie (Like Titanic) and you can look down the long line of my family and my dad, me, my sister and maybe a couple others will be sobbing... My mom and the majority of the other members will be eating popcorn and asking "when is this movie going to end?" I don't even know why I wrote all of that.

Things to be happy about:
Air conditioning
Health (both me and my family)
A day away from Wal-Mart
Swimming pools
Friends that don't care how you look in your bathing suit
and a husband that thinks and tells me that I am beautiful:)

Job Interviews

Chris has been wanting to leave walmart for a long time and truthfully I quess his dissatisfaction with his job is rubbing off on me, because now I kind of want to find a different job too. I know it sounds retarded, but I am too scared to leave. I have been with walmart since high school, I just can't imagine myself working anywhere else. I feel like the benefits of staying far outweigh all the reasons that I keep thinking of to leave. The truth is that I make almost $13 an hour there and I'll be getting 3weeks vacation before long and I know my job backwards and forwards I just can't fathom learning to do something else. Chris keeps telling me that his job is a dead end and in truth it kind of is. We will never get weekends off and for the most part we will probably always be on a 2pm-11pm shift. This all basically means that if Chris would get a different job that I would never see him, because once you are stuck on the second shift.... You are stuck on second shift. I quess that I was always satisfied with walmart, I mean I know that I would whine about going to work and stuff, but I think that everyone does that. Chris told me that he wants to be proud of where he works and not embarrassed to tell people. I quess I understand what he means, because when I see some people I figure that they probably look down on me for working there, but for the most part I just never really cared. Chris had a job interview up in Perrysburg yesterday. He decided not to go to the second interview because he really isn't interested in what they are offering. The harder that he looks the more scared I get. The truth is no matter where you work or what you do work is work. Nobody wants to go to work. Everyone would love to take the easy way out and do stuff that they want to do, but the responsible side of the brain usually kicks in to remind you that bills need paid. There is no job that is easy and fun that pays you to do nothing. (I wish that there was I would be the first person in line) I am just scared I guess because sometimes I think that that is what he is looking for....

Not too much to say

I really don't have alot to say today, nothing much has been happening. I was supposed to go get my blood work done, but I am avoiding it due to last weeks experience. I know that it is necessary, but I just don't feel like dealing with it right now. Chris and I have to go back to work today:( I don't feel like going because I kind of want to avoid my boss, but I know that I will be happy when we see our paychecks. Chloe told me yesterday that I have a fat butt, and that uncle Chris has a fat gut. I love young childrens honesty:) We had to tell my brother and sister that we weren't going to move to Pemberville with them. I had prepared myself for them being mad at us, but they were really understanding. Pemberville is the same distance from walmart as our appartment, and we like our privacy, on top of the fact that I live right down the road from my sister so I can go see her and the kids almost any time that I want. I talked to Deb on the phone the other night for a little while. We didn't really get to discuss anything in depth, but she will be home this weekend and I am very excited about seeing her:) After all I haven't gotten to really talk to her in like a MONTH! I have to leave for work I guess I will write more later, if anything interesting happens that is.

Just a Baby

Today dad preached on baby Christians. I felt such conviction. Paul yelled at the church for not maturing and getting off their milk and when my dad talked about the symptoms of a baby Christian I found myself in each section. My Christianity has stopped developing because I have stopped persuing God. Not reading my Bible, and not living the way that I should on a daily basis has shown me that I am still not mature. Then something happened. We were in the car and Chris asked me why my dad doesn't ever preach on anything exciting. A. I am a big daddy's girl so don't ever rip on my dad, but there was something more to what he said. Our society wants fed excitement. We want to leave Sunday mornings and feel good about ourselves and "feel" like we are doing the "right" thing by going to church and by being a Christian. The truth is that we shouldn't need that confirmation. I get irritated because everyone looks for the BIG miracle or the goosebumps or whatever to show them their "sign" that everything is all real and the truth is that sometimes you don't get that so it is better not to rely on it in the first place. Luke 11:29 talks about people needing a miracle and our society is no different today than the people that Jesus dealt with. We want our proof for our peace of mind. Even if we got our proof the reality of that moment would fade away until eventually it would feel like it was a dream anway. Soon we would need constant confirmations to remind us that God and everything in the Bible was all true. We would end up like the children of Israel needing our pillar of fire and yet turning back to the golden calf regardless. I can honestly say that I have highs and lows like every other Christian out there that I need encouragement from my brothers and sisters to keep me going sometimes, but no matter how far I have ever gotten Christ has always persued me and pulled me back. I know that when I go to my dad's church that we don't have all of the lighting and sound and that my dad doesn't stand up there and give us a pat on the back and that sometimes as he gets into stuff in the Bible that I don't even understand that it can get hard to sit there for an hour and 45 minutes with my butt and my back aching. The truth is however that reading, studying, learning, and growing are not always fun, and takes a lot of time and work. Our religion is a faith based religion that is based on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ which are presented and told in his word the Bible. Our salvation is based on our faith and our faith is based on things that are not seen and our faith comes by hearing the word of God and it grows by living it. So, even though Chris keeps trying to explain to me that he wasn't ripping on my dad, but he just wants to learn about something exciting I keep getting reminded of when it was either Peter or Paul was preaching and the guy fell asleep in the window and fell out and died. I can't find it in my Bible so someone will have to remind me (I think that it is somewhere in Acts, but I am not sure) I guess that hearing someone preach for long periods of time has never been exciting. Sorry this blog is so long again :)

Sorry that I only use wedding pics, but that is all that I have on the computer. Her are my sis' girls... Pudgy (Or Chloe) Is the little blonde. Aren't they cute? Sorry I put both Pictures on, but I picked the wrong one and then I couldn't get it off...

A wonderful Day

Today was wonderful:) Chris' friends are back in town and he got to hang out with them today (They are all at Steak and Shake right now.) and I got to hang out with my sister and one of our good friends Em and just talk and goof around. I was probably pretty annoying, because when I have alot of energy I start acting like a three year old. I'll probably tell them tomorrow that I am sorry for acting like a little kid. Chris says that when I get like that it is literally like sleeping with Chloe (My adorable 3 year old niece) Because I start kicking the bed and talking (mainly because I am restless) about absolutely nothing. Chloe told me today that I need to tell Chris that he has a fat belly. I told her that I wouldn't dare tell Chris that he has a fat belly unless I wanted to hear what was fat on me and I honestly don't want to know. I'll have to post pictures of her, you guys would love her she is absolutely adorable... Anyways, I really don't have anything to talk about so I'll talk to everyone later!

My Date

So last night I wrote this really long blog and just as I was ending it the entire thing disappeared right before my eyes and I was left with the title and a single "t" with my cursor blinking right after it. So before I threw my computer through the wall I just determined that God wanted me to go to bed.
Chris and I went to see Pirates II. He thought that the movie was amazing and to give my honest opinion, the special effects were awsome. The acting was great. The only thing that I didn't like was that from the beginning to the end of the movie (almost three hours) the plot moved about 3 centimeters. You guys may watch and completely disagree, but I just liked the first one much better in terms of a story line. After everyone watches it (who wants to see it) maybe then I can give you why I didn't like the plot of the movie very much. Ok I am going to give it anyway and whoever doesn't want to know can quit reading until the next paragraph... Basically the characters are no better off by the end of the movie than they were at the beginning. A movie that long should develop the character (even if it is painfully slow) and by the end their situation should have at least moved to a different place than it was before. They go through all of this mess and by the end. Elizabeth and Will still aren't married, the villian is still not dead, and Jack Sparrow is no longer part of what is going on because they make it to appear that he is dead. (which I doubt he is because Chris says that he is in the next one.) and now the villian from the previous movie is back... Putting them back how much time because they can't seem to actually kill someone for REAL! Ok I have given my opinion and I am sure that every Johnny Depp fan and every movie critic hates my guts and you guys will probably watch it and have no clue what I meant.
--------YOU CAN READ NOW!-----
After the movie we went to get my blood work done in Bowling Green. We waited over an hour because there was one nurse available. I saw the nurse and my stomach dropped... I didn't recognize her. People in my family do not give blood. Plasma, or anything that involves needles, because my mother gave us very deep veins that dive, move and roll. It is very rare that nurses can find a vein the first time that they stick us. (They have to get blood out of my mom's feet.) So I told the woman that people who take my blood never get it in my arms and they always use the veins that pop up slightly by my fingers, and they use and actual syring (however you spell it.) looking thing, not a butterfly needle because those do not work for me. She would not listen to me. She kept looking in my arms. Finding nothing because I told her she wouldn't. than when she stuck my hands she used a butterfly needle which she kept wiggling all over the place. Telling me that she could feel my veins move but. just. couldn't. seem. to get. the. needle. in. them. I have never wanted to hit someone so bad. I told her to use the vein by my fingers and she insisted that those roll worse than the ones by the wrist and I told her to not use the butterfly needle and she told me that those were meant for diving veins... Whatever. By this time I am balling like a baby and Chris is looking behind the curtain sticking out his bottom lip an giving me the thumbs up. Finally after traumatizing me the stupid woman told me that I would have to go wait at the hospital for someone else to do it, because she wasn't able to get a vein or a drop of blood from me. (Except where she wiggled the damn needles all up and down my hands, which was bleeding quite nicely.) Sorry I cussed guys. I was just so frustrated. With as much blood as I have had to get taken this year with my surgeries and now with my thyroid, you would think that this woman would actually listen to me on how my body works and what every other nurse has to do to get blood out of me, but it was like she wouldn't listen to a freaking word that I said. Ok done venting. Thank you all for listening the the longest witch session ever. I have decided to copy off of Erica and Danielle and start listing things to be thankful for that way I can think about them and also so that people do know that I don't just whine about everything in my life.
Things that I am happy about:
A fixed car, That Chris' parents fixed for us.
getting to check out Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom for three hours.
That not all of men like women as skinny as Kiera Knightly (Her waist was 18 inches for scenes in the movie.)
That Chris and I got to spend time together doing something that we both like.
That I didn't erase all of this blog as I was finishing it..:)

I am dead tired, but can't sleep

I am dead tired, but can't sleep. Ever have that happen? You are laying there and don't have the energy to do anything and are trying as hard as you can to fall asleep, but you can't quite seem to get there? Ashley got some tests results back. I can't remember exactly how much I wrote on here about her situation, but she started having back pain a couple of months ago. Recently it got so bad that she went to the doctor and they discovered that it wasn't her back, but her kidneys. After more tests the doctor thought that it was either cancer or an STD. (despite the fact that she told the doctor that wasn't possible) Ashley kept insisting that she thought it was Kidney stones. I asked her if I could pray for her (even though I was doing it anyway) and she said that that was fine. It was very ironic because even though she says that she is a pagan and worships Diana she asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was worried about what was going to happen after I died and if I ever thought about it. I told her that I already knew what was going to happen to me when I died. We ended up talking about different stuff and she told me that she sometimes prays to Jesus and diana. That Jesus was there for her through some things, but seemed to disappear when she needed him in other times. Anyways, she got her test results back today and-----:) She has an infection and a kidney stone. Not that I am praising God for that, but both of them are treatable and she doesn't have cancer or anything else that could be much more serious... I was teasing Clark (her man) when he told me and I mentioned that this is what happens when you pray. He told me that they had prayed to diana also and that all of our prayers go to the same place, because utimately they are all the same god. I didn't say anything. I am not going to argue. I want to love them the same way that Christ loves us. I think that after listening to them and watching them that they have really had a rough time with life, more so than a lot of people I know. Which probably explains alot about their personalities and their struggles. Maybe they have experienced a lot of people promoting the church as apposed to being the church.
---I am feeling alot better today than I have been in a while. Thank you so much Danielle for everything that you wrote. I read it and it made my spririt feel light. Chris and I are going on a "date" tomorro. I am really excited:) He is taking me to see Pirates II. I'll have to write and tell ya'll how everything goes...
Love ya!

I love Vacation

Hi everyone:)
I had a wonderful time not seeing Walmart for three days, we didn't even shop at one so that the experience wasn't overshadowed by the feeling that we were at work. It was great hanging out with my family around the campfire listening to blue grass. (Yes, we are hicks.) Rollarblading, walking, riding bikes (Most of which I did alone, Chris hates anything that requires excercise of any kind.) I have to say though I was really happy to go by myself. I miss being alone and having some time to do things that I like by myself was very refreshing. There is a long stretch of trail that goes directly by the lake and it is absolutely beautiful. I have a lot of memories at this park (mainly because my family has camped there for like ever) and I loved being able to move around as I pleased and remember those memories with out having to verbalize what I was thinking.
--- I have been struggling alot lately. Thinking about whether I am good enough for God. I know that this sounds retarded and I was raised in Church so I know that we are saved by grace, but I cannot seem to convince myself that it is all true. I know that we are supposed to live out our Christianity and as hard as I try I keep getting depressed because for some reason or another I am scared that when judgement times comes that I won't make the cut. That God is dissapointed in me. That I haven't done a good enough job. I know that a lot of people out there seem to think that you can say the "sinner's prayer." and walk out of the church and never have anything else to do with God and you will still make it into heaven. I however, have never been able to swallow that logic but I keep struggling within myself over how much we have to do and what more do I have to accomplish to make it into heaven. I keep hearing people talk about how much that they witness and how many people that they have "brought" to Jesus and I think if that is what our salvation is based on then I am screwed. I do talk about Jesus sometimes, and I try to witness, but I find myself not wanting to push it on people. I know that this may sound awful to people, but I am trying as hard as I can to live out my faith myself and I am afraid of pushing people about my beliefs because I don't want them studying me very hard, because I know that a blind person could find my faults. I find myself praying constantly at work about stuff, but I hardly ever read my Bible except for at church. I quess I just want God to help my faith and renew my thirst for reading and studying my Bible before I go into a HUGE battle of trying to convert people. I hope this hasn't dissapointed anybody. I know that no one ever wants to admit this kind of stuff out loud and I never do, but we all have highs and lows and I guess this is probably just one of those times. I haven't written this before, but there are a couple self proclaimed pagans that I work with. Their god is Diana. I am trying to witness to them as a living example. It gets hard because I struggle with a balance. We have talked about Jesus before and I have shared my beliefs and listened to their beliefs, but mainly I have just talked to them and listened to them about their lives and whatever they feel like talking about. I don't ever push things, but I get scared to get really close to them because I know the spiritual warfare involved with witnessing to people involved in the occult. Who knows, maybe this is why I have been struggling lately. I quess I am just asking everyone to pray for the situation that God would let his work be done and would bring glory to His name. (and would open a clear and HUGE window for me to be able to be a light and a large bag of salt.) Does anybody have any words of wisdom that they can share with out hurting my feelings about not being a very good Christian?

Singing In The Rain

I woke up this morning and I was ready to go. Then I looked outside. Rain, Thunder, Lightning. I am still going on vacation, I was just so excited about everything that we would be doing OUTSIDE!!! I can't wait to see mommy and daddy though and play cards and do stuff with them so no matter what I am going to keep a good attitude about the weather. Has anyone seen or heard from Deb? I know that she is in Colorado I just figured she would keep up with her blog and everything. I hope she is doing ok.
REVELATION:
Deedeetdadeetdeetdee!! I woke up this morning and Chris and I started talking about his family. His mom and dad put so much time and effort into absolutely everything that they do. They used to be like this in their church. For one reason or another when Chris was in the army they quit going. No explanation, nothing. They haven't gone back since. When Chris and I talked about it I told him what my dad always says. Churches use people. They work you and volunteer you to death until satan uses a situation to frustrait you and you quit going to church completely because for one reason or another you are just burnt out. My dad as a pastor is not a very conventional person. He broke away from denominational churches before his kids were born and started one of his own. We don't have offering plates, we don't have hymnals, and no pews. Every sunday people have time to stand up and share something of celebration or a prayer request. People can interrupt at any point in the singing to share what is on their heart. And dad doesn't mind input from us durring his sermon either (if we need something repeated). I used to hate this about my dad's church. I consistently went to other churches that had the bigger stage, and the sound equipment, and the darkened room for the singing and all of the right things to make you "feel" something. It wasn't until last summer that I started to realize after going back to my dad's church that those things mean nothing. They are a man made way of making an audience get goosebumps and "feel" as though they have now had a real encounter with God. The truth is we can't rely on our "feelings" satan uses our feelings to trick us. I don't know where I am going. I guess I am just frustraited with how my dad was always right. Churches can take advantage of people. They make you feel as though the church is your job. The more that we make churches about buildings and sound systems and lighting effects the less that is becomes about the real "church" and about God and the more it becomes about ourselves and our "feelings." I run into people that have walked away from conventional modern day churches and they talk about the wonderful community that they are experiencing and I realize. I was raised in a church that broke away. I remember home churches. I was raised experiencing true community. Where my best friends were the people that I went to church with and what is ironic is those are my closest friends even today. I was raised with it, experienced it and ran from it because I thought what everyone else had was better somehow. Now I look around me and so many others are seeking what I had all along. So many people experience what Chris' parents did. The church used them to death and then when they thought they were valued and that their opinion meant something they were in for a nasty surprise. Nothing. They said what they thought, they voiced their opinion and need and NOTHING. Everything that they had done, all the hours and weekends at the church nothing. Wasted. So they left and no body seemed to care. The disease of some churches to use people to death and make them feel valued then to turn around and show them that they are not. This is what can turn people off to church and Christianity. The truth is satan has gotten a lot of people to leave the church and hack it out on their own. As a Christian we need our fellow believers. Our church our community, we need each other. Paul said not to forsake the gathering of the saints. Why? Because we need to encourage each other, pray for each other, to love each other and to teach each other. I don't even know where I was going with this. I just needed to get it out. Chris seems to think that Christians are ok not going to church. That they don't need anyone else to support them in what they believe. I can't seem to convince him that I am not saying they need to go join the local denominational church, but one Christian standing alone can be taken out easily by the prince of darkness, but a Christian in a community of support is much harder to attack... Hope I didn't piss anyone off by what I said....
Prayer Requests: My friends Linda and Cliff Ott have just lost their business and need a lot of prayer so it you all could be praying for them I would appreciate it.